UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
