my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
