Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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