Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
