Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize