remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
