I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
