The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
