Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
