hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
