I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize