we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
