I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
