I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
