How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
