I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
They have beer where we have blood.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
