Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
