I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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