My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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