I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
