Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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