Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
