first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
