Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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