Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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