and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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