Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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