i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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