My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
