my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
