Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
