I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
