omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize