My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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