You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
