She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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