im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
