I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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