I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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