hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
