Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
