You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
