You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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