Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
