we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize