God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
farters have to be the big spoon...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
