Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
