Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
