Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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