The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
