thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
