Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
