I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
