So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
