I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
They took my balls.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
