He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
