chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
