I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
