I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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