I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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