That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
