Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize