when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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