Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
