it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
