I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
