I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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